Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry will always occur in a household of more than one child
whether through comparison, fighting, jealousy, or by other means. Parents and
children both contribute to the rivalry. It will occur on a daily, weekly, and
even an hourly basis. Sibling rivalry may become difficult and annoying to
parents, but they must deal with it day after day. In definition, sibling
rivalry is when one sibling or more compete with one another or try to emulate
each other .Rivalry is different from fighting. It appears when children compete
for their parents’ love and attention (Faull 88).
Sibling relationships
can be a key to rivalry. An intense relationship includes love and hate, play
and fight, and the teasing and mocking of each other. There are some questions
on why certain siblings get along harmoniously and affectionately, while there
are others that constantly fight (Dunn front flap). Siblings usually have a very
harsh relationship when they are young. As they mature, they become better
friends and start getting into fewer and fewer fights .Brothers and sisters
sometimes work together to get through jams. Siblings occasionally team up to
trick or get back at a parent in revenge (Faber and Mazlish 27-28). Aggression
is very frequent in sibling relationships. In one study, 29% of behavior
observed between siblings was hostile
(Dunn 22). It is usually the older
child being aggressive to the younger one, but the younger child may become
increasingly aggressive as he/she grows. In one Canadian study, a family where
the mother is very friendly to the second born at the eight month stage, the two
children were very opposed to each other six months later (Dunn 98). There are
many siblings that take their aggression to the extremes, and others who travel
through phases of rivalry, then end in a close, loving relationship ("Sibling
Aggression"). Plus, not all rivalry is negative.
Birth order greatly
affects the relationships between siblings. Frank J. Sulloway, writer of Born to
Rebel, had this to say about birth order, "Few aspects of human behavior can
claim such generalizability (as birth order) across class, nationality, gender,
and time." Birth order is the ultimate cause of behavior; it is destiny—if not
entirely, then pretty nearly so (Epstein 51). First children tend to accomplish
more than their siblings do because their parents expect more of them. All
children in a family behave differently because of the way they are or were
treated by their parents and others. The first child is very bossy to younger
sibs, and has strong beliefs about what is right or wrong, and how his younger
sibs should behave. He/she does not let the younger ones get away with something
they could not do at their age. The second or middle child does not expect to
get his or her own way much. They learn to achieve what they want through
indirect means. The third or youngest child learns that the best method for him
to get his way is by being nice. He frequently does what he wants and gets away
with it because others do not notice (Ames and Haber 63-66).
Sibling
rivalry has many causes that both parents and children can bring about. Parents
create rivalry problems by comparison and favoritism. They have to see their
kids as separate individuals, and not compare them. The parents have to make
sure that comparisons do not lead to them buying one thing for a child’s need,
and then buying the same item for the other child even though he does not need
it. There are certain types of comparison: positive and pressure. Positive
comments can start problems between siblings (i. e. "I see from your homework
that you are a math whiz, just like your sister!" Kent 80). "Children may feel
resentful when parents push them into each other’s turf," reports Kathy
Thorburg, Ph.D (quoted in Kent 80). When a parent compares two siblings, it puts
pressure in sports, school, and any other aspects of life on the younger child .
Parents inadvertently play favorites with their children. The favorite child may
not always be the cutest, smartest, kindest, or most thoughtful. It is natural
to feel a preference to one child, and those feelings are probably obvious to
the rest of the family (Ames and Haber 40). It is not humanly possible for a
parent to love each child the same. Even if one of the parents has a favored
one, they must not show it (Faber and Mazlish 96).
Children can cause
their own rivalry without any input from parents. Fighting is not rivalry, but
is sometimes caused by it. Sometimes children pick fights with their sibs
because they are mad at themselves and there is no one else to take out their
anger on. Other times, kids may pick a fight because they are mad at a friend or
parent. Because they cannot hit their mother or father, the child usually uses
his sibling as the punching
bag. Some children fight just to see the show
their parents put on when they come to yell at the guilty instigator. Many
youngsters fight just because of boredom. It makes the older sibling feel power
and gives them strength, like a big shot (Faber and Mazlish 148-149). The
changes of a blended family may make the child angry, and he takes it on
one
of his sibs even though he is mad at his parents. "It is always more
complicated in a blended family, because there so many more people to deal
with," states Lois Kalafas, a clinical social worker in Boston. Jealousy of
other children plays a role in sibling rivalry. When a new child comes into a
household, a rivalry has already started. It is a competition for attention. If
a second marriage produces another child, the existing children feel like they
will lose their love and attention from their parents (Brink B4).
There
are some techniques on how to deal with sibling rivalry. A family meeting is a
good way to discuss problems. When you call a meeting, the parent must explain
the purpose of the meeting. Write down what each child feels and read it aloud
to both children. Allow each child time for a response. Then let everyone in the
family suggest as many solutions as they can think of. Lastly, decide on the
solutions that your family can handle (Faber and Mazlish 166-168). There are
some other techniques to prevent rivalry between siblings. The parent should
always send the instigator to his respective room. Holler at the older one and
tell him to act mature because he should be an exemplary for the younger sib. Do
not raise a hand to the children no matter how angry and annoyed the parent
becomes.
Sibling rivalry is a big problem in homes all across America and
the rest of the world. It occurs day and night and is very difficult to deal
with. Parents must be strong and willing to tackle this rivalry before they have
children, and they must be mature
enough to handle it. Parents and families
are guaranteed to experience some form of sibling rivalry, so they had better be
prepared.