Running Head: Divorce: The Effect On The Children
Divorce, once uncommon in our society, is now becoming more and more
frequent, disrupting our children’s state of well-being. Some children of
divorced families have long-term behavior problems such as depression, low
self-esteem, poor school performance, acting out, and difficulties with intimate
relationships. Children with divorced or divorcing parents often have a sense of
abandonment, because their parents become too preoccupied with their own
psychological, social, and economic distress that they forget about their kids’
needs (Lamb and Sternberg, 1997). In 1988, Professor Jeanne Dise-Lewis conducted
a survey of 700 middle school students. The students were asked to rate certain
events as to the stress they causes. The death of a parent or close family
member was the only thing that outranked divorce (Zinsmeister, 1996). A divorce
in the family creates a major life change for most children. Loss of contact
with friends, schoolmates, neighbors, teachers, and sometimes moving to a new
location may bring a lot of psychosocial stress upon the children, and that
stress can be very harmful.
Since the divorce boom started in the 1960’s,
father-mother divorces have increased at an alarming rate. Today more than
1,000,000 kids experience a divorce in the family every year in the United
States alone (U.S.A. Today, p. 8). As a result of the divorce, many children
live in single-parent homes. This usually results in a drop in income for the
family. Remarriage creates step families. Children often have a hard time
adjusting to this new situation. Many of the remarriages end in divorce. As
children see these marriages end, they may become more likely to accept divorce
as they enter marriage. It seems that the old saying, "staying together for the
sake of the kids" is becoming a fairy tale.
Parental Actions: Custodial
and Nonresidential
Children’s behavior, development, and adjustment to
divorce is affected closely by the actions of both of their parents. In a
typical divorce situation, one parent has custody of the children and the other
is considered to be the nonresidential parent. Children whose nonresidential
parents continue to support them financially, whose custodial parents are
psychologically healthy, and those who can maintain a meaningful relationship
with the nonresidential parent tend to be affected less by the divorce (Lamb and
Sternberg, 1997). The nonresidential parent who supports the children
economically through child support also tends to spend more time with the
children. The situation is improved when there is no conflict between the two
parents. Divorces do not always have to be bad; in some cases a divorce can
offer members of dysfunctional families the chance to escape from family related
stress and conflict (Zinsmeister, 1996). When ex-husbands and wives can work
through their problems and go on with their lives, divorces can be considered
successful.
Personal Experience
In the United States, about 45% of
all first marriages are now dissolved, and in the United Kingdom, 41% divorce
within 14 years (Lamb and Sternberg, 1997). Divorces are happening all around
us. Most of us can relate directly, or have some friends that have been affected
by divorces. Two of my closest friends now belong to divorced families. The
divorces of my two friends’ parents was painful for me as well as them. I spent
days upon days helping them cope with the divorce related stressors. Today we
still have bad memories of those several months surrounding the divorces, and
occasionally one of them will have a break-down.
Custody and
Support
In most divorce situations, the mother has custody of the minor
children. The children receive support from the nonresident parent.
Historically, the amount of support does not cover half the cost of raising a
child. In addition, many of the support payers do not pay the full amount of
support awarded by the courts (Lamb and Sternberg, 1997). Wage garnishment and
stronger support enforcement laws are possible solutions to this problem. Joint
custody is allowed in some states. While the idea sounds positive, children of
joint-custody agreements often feel that they are constantly leaving one house
to go to the other. The child does not feel a stable home exists. When the
parents do not have a good post-divorce relationship, often the children will
play one parent against another. This can result in unhappy relationships
between the child and both parents.
Stages of Divorce
Paul
Bohannon (1970), in (Doob, 1997, p. 142), wrote that a divorce is especially
difficult because it encompasses six different dimensions simultaneously and
because American society does not yet possess effective means of helping people
cope with these experiences. These "six stations of divorce" include:
1.
The emotional divorce. The spouses withhold emotion from each other--they grow
apart--because their trust in and attraction for each other has ended.
2.
The economic divorce. When the household is broken up, and economic settlement
is necessary, separating the shared assets into two portions.
3. The
legal divorce. In the courts the formal termination of the marriage takes place,
along with bestowal of the right to remarry.
4. The coparental divorce.
Decisions are made about such issues as the custody of the children, visitation
rights, each parent’s financial and childbearing responsibilities, and so
forth.
5. The community divorce. Changes occur in the way friends and
acquaintances react to the former couple when they learn about the divorce. Like
property, friends, too, are often divided, becoming "her friends" or "his
friends."
6. The psychic divorce. When marriage partners break up, an
uncoupling occurs, and the sense of self alters. Each spouse must fully realize
that he or she is no longer part of a couple. Once again the person is single,
and for many this is a shock.
These six stations of divorce are the
reasons why most parents involved in a divorce forget about their child’s needs,
and why a divorce is so hard on a child. There may be situations where a parent
or child is in physical danger and a divorce is the best answer. However, it
should not be the easy way out for the parents. "Divorce is now the single
largest cause of childhood depression. Marital disruption, quite clearly, can
wound children for years" (Zinsmeister, 1996).
References
Doob,
Christopher Bates, Sociology, and Introduction, 5th ed. (Fort Worth: Hartcourt
Brace College Publishers, 1997), p 142.
Driedger, Sharon Doyle. (1998)
After Divorce [On-Line] Available:
http://gw3.epnet.
com/ehost.asp?key=xwBRPG6&site=ehost
Lamb, Michael E. and Sternberg,
Kathleen J. (1997) The Effects of Divorce and Custody Arrangements on Children’s
Behavior, Development and Adjustment [On-Line]. Available:
http://gw3.epnet.com/ehost.asp?key=xwBRPG6&site=ehost
"Minimizing the
Effects of Divorce on Kids," U.S.A. Today May 1996: 8.