The Measure of a Man: An Essay on Manhood Written in Honor of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Dr. King's words of wisdom behoove us to remake and renew ourselves as men who give the best of ourselves even during the worst of times.
Detroit, MI (PRWEB) January 13, 2005 -- A friend of mine once read an
immensely popular book that claims to disclose secrets about men every woman
should know. As I listened to my friend divulge the book's "secrets," I could
not help feeling that there isn't anything secret about its "secrets" and that
it is little more than commonplace drivel about appeasing emotionally disturbed,
controlling, and abusive males who just are not recognized as such.
I
later perused the book and reached the same conclusion as a reviewer who stated
succinctly, "If that does describe your relationships, much better advice to you
is: Stop hanging out with losers!" Excellent advice, I thought, because a real
man is not a little boy trapped in a grown man's body looking for a
mother-figure. Neither is his highest aspiration is to be a "benevolent
dictator" or King Kong of his so-called castle. He does not need his ego stroked
by subservient women nor his alleged manhood validated by engaging in
violence.
Indeed, as Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., wrote, "The
ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and
convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and
controversy."
Alas, our society is one in which a man is far more
frequently measured by his looks, job, status symbols, gift-giving, sex appeal,
or tough-guy exterior. As noted in that venerated anthology called the Bible,
people are all too inclined to look on the outward appearance when trying to
decide what manner of man someone is. Consequently, it is nearly always the case
that little more is expected of a man than that he has "good" looks, a "good"
wardrobe, a "good" job, some or all of the most fashionable material "goods,"
and that he is a "good" provider, a "good" sex partner, a "good" fighter, or
just able to show a woman a "good" time. It is long after a man has been judged
on the basis of such 'cryteria' that serious consideration (usually too little
too late) is given to whether his inner man is as good as his public
image.
Few people are wise and patient enough to measure a man by "where
he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Most people are content to see
that a man is "cool" merely when he is self-indulged and self-satisfied. Even
women seeking male partners do little or nothing to learn how a man might hold
up under the weltering heat of adversity. Despite the problems and perils of
having a fair-weather friend or fair-weather "lover," most of a man's so-called
friends and lovers will have forged relationships with him without tarrying to
observe his character while he is enduring trials and
tribulations.
Regardless, the most important things about a man are
revealed by how he conducts himself when he is displeased, distraught, or
distressed. It is easy for a man to get along with others and project strength
of character when he thinks the going is good. It is easy for him to have a
great attitude when he thinks life, kith, and kin are treating him well. It is
easy for him to be Mr. Right when he does not perceive that there is anything
wrong (with him!). And it is easy to allow ourselves to think that favorable
circumstances is the best light under which to see a man for who he is. But a
man who is always at his worst during the worst of times doth not a good man
make. A good man gives the best of himself even during the worst of times; even
during the most trying times of his life; even when he is suffering and
struggling with the issues of life. A good man, that is, brings forth good
things from the good treasure of his heart regardless of the
situation.
Such is not common sense. Most people believe that hard times
are excuses for exhibiting character flaws and weaknesses rather than
opportunities to (show that one has) overcome them. Besides, the logic
continues, no one is perfect, so it is only realistic and far more likely that a
man will "not be himself" under the stress and strain of difficult and demanding
situations. So a man's acting "out of character" is constantly overlooked and
forgiven in spite of the other lives he wounds and wrecks. He is a "good man,"
they say, even though he can be counted on to make poor decisions when he is
under pressure or just downright peeved.
Abusive men and their victims
tend to think that way. And in the most severe cases, both the abuser and his
victim completely disassociate the man who commits domestic violence from the
same man who at times does not. In pleading his case, the abuser might say
something like "that wasn't me," and his victim, for a time at least, might
agree. The problem in such cases is not just cognitive dissonance, but a
misunderstanding of the positive roles conflict and crisis can play in the
maturation and manifestation of a man's character. Not only do we need to
understand that hardships and personal issues are no excuse for putting others
or ourselves through hell. We also need to understand that it is more desirable
and constructive for us to learn ways of transforming the same into growing
pains and experiences through which we empower ourselves to exhibit integrity,
sagacity, inner strength, and noble intentions.
For most men in our
society this is a revolutionary approach to conflict resolution and character
recognition, especially since it demands of each of us a thorough and ongoing
reassessment of our sense of self. We grew up thinking that a "real" man does
not take any stuff and gets his way by almost any means necessary. We also grew
up thinking that the more imposing, intimidating, impervious, and independent we
are, the more people, especially women and children, would think of us as "the
man." However, a man who can only resort to aggression is not any more
resourceful and redoubtable than an insecure ignoramus who attempts to use
vituperation to cloak his vacuity and limited vocabulary. That a man must coerce
others into letting him have his way does not mean he is strong. It means that
he is too weak and insecure to meet them on the level playing field of equality
and mutual respect.
Dr. King's words of wisdom behoove us to remake and
renew ourselves as men who are magnanimous even when our lives and relationships
are not magnificent - as men who are charitable, courteous, and chivalrous not
just when it is convenient, but even when it takes all the positive energy we
can muster. He is attempting to open our eyes to the realization that true men
of stature are strong enough in mind and spirit and secure enough in ourselves
to be compassionate and considerate of others even in the midst of confusion,
crises, and the crucible of unrequited love; to admit and amend our own faults
as well as forgive others; to repay evil with good; to be insulted but insult
not; to be angry and yet sin not; to dialog rather than dictate; to be deep
enough to delight in diversity and enlightened enough to live and let
live.
Adopting such an approach to dealing with adversity, a man
distinguishes himself from the great mass and majority of misguided males who
believe kindness is a weakness. He joins the company of courageous men from
around the world who are no longer fearful of being friendly and fair through
thick and thin. He becomes one with the true men of distinction who recognize
and respect the dignity of others, especially women and children. He becomes a
man worthy of honor because he consistently honors the worth of others. He
becomes outstanding because he never leaves a man, woman, boy, or girl standing
out in the cold of injustice and insensitivity. He becomes one of a few good men
who have learned to seek the good of others as well as themselves. He becomes a
light in dark places because he is now part of the solution rather than part of
the problem.
richard jones (www.iamrj.com) is a writer living in Detroit,
Michigan.
Copyright (c) 2003 richard jones. All rights reserved. This
material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without
written permission from richard jones.
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Source : http://www.prweb.com/releases/2005/1/prweb196851.htm