A Spouse Is A Spouse Is A Spouse ... Relationship Expert April Masini Advises "Acknowledge the “Yellow Light” Before Black and White Lines Become Blurred"
A spouse is a spouse is a spouse, and unless you acknowledge that you have a mistress, you don't get to have an office spouse, a gym spouse, a local coffee shop spouses, etc. Relationships need boundaries if you want to live in a world that is peaceful and devoid of chaos.
(PRWEB) July 20, 2005 -- Monogamy is so easy to understand. It means you get
one spouse and everyone else who’s of the opposite sex, is a co-worker or a
friend. If you need me to spell out the definition of a co-worker or a friend,
you need more help than I can give you.
If that sounded harsh it’s
because you need someone to draw the lines in black and white for you. It’s so
easy when we like someone, to blur the lines and make them gray so that we can
convince ourselves we’re not doing anything wrong. That’s why you need to step
back and take a good look from a healthy perspective at what you’re doing.
One way to not be surprised by a sudden onslaught of feelings is to
recognize any and all discomfort you have – either around the office buddy or
when you hear your spouse talk about his or her office buddy. These feelings are
worth acknowledging as a “yellow light” in the relationship. Too many times we
talk ourselves out of these instincts because we don’t want to believe them. Why
don’t we want to believe them? Because we want our cake and we want to eat it,
too. But if you continue to ignore discomfort, you’ll pay the price somewhere
down the line – and it will be a bigger price than if we deal with the
discomfort now.
Draw the line
A spouse is a spouse is a spouse,
and unless you acknowledge that you have a mistress, you don't get to have an
office spouse, a gym spouse, a local coffee shop spouses, etc. Relationships
need boundaries if you want to live in a world that is peaceful and devoid of
chaos. If you’re having any doubts, think back to your marriage and remember how
clear those vows were to say and to understand.
Okay, so it’s been a few
years since you wed (or months – everybody is different), and you’re not exactly
in a marital rut, but you’re both working at your respective jobs – or one of
you is working and the other is home with the house and the kids, and you’re in
a pattern. You’ve both got your own friends, your own work out gyms and your own
places you like to lunch or shop. And yes, you’re a regular at some of these
places and you’re bound to make friends that your spouse doesn’t know about –
not because you’re hiding the friend, but because you have your own life as well
as your marital life. Sure you wear your wedding ring, and so might your friends
that your spouse doesn’t know. You share laughs and gossip about things as
innocuous as the weather, politics, work dynamics, a spinning teacher…and the
next thing you know, you’re buying each other coffee. Then lunch. They you stop
and grab dinner. Your arm brushes hers…
See how the lines can get
blurred?
Honor your discomfort
Boundaries get blurred because we
let them. We may think that suddenly someone is coming on to us or suddenly
there are sparks, but the truth is that they’ve been there all along, and have
been building, because the boundaries in our relationships have not been
maintained.
Boundaries Work
Do the work in the relationship when
you have the feeling that something is "off,” and you’ll save yourself
discomfort – and maybe your marriage. Consider this work a discipline like any
other sport work out do. You have to build your muscles in order to exercise the
lifestyle easily and with grace. Go on easy on yourself – but keep at it!
Here are a few tips to keep boundaries healthy between opposite sex work
partners and marital spouses:
1. Your work buddies are not your social
buddies. Keep boundaries between family events and work events. Don't go out on
a Saturday night with a work buddy, if you are married, unless it is a work
event.
2. Mind your manners. Do not assume intimacy of any kind with a
work buddy -- especially when a spouse is around. Know the food chain in these
social situations. The husband and wife trump any work partner you have.
3. Keep gifts business like. Better to give another fruit basket, than
to gift a co-worker with jewelry, clothing or a gift certificate to a spa. Play
it safe -- and keep those interesting parts of your personality for your family
and friends -- not your work buddies.
Reality Check
Okay. So
does this philosophy and practice keep women out of the “Good Old Boys” network
where the locker room is equivalent to the boardroom, and deals are made on the
golf course? You bet. Is it fair? Nope. Is it reality? Yes.
Ironically,
this is probably how the Good Old Boys network started. Men knew that they tend
to fall prey to women’s wiles in business if they work with them and fall for
them. So they band together and they do business in the gym, at the ball games,
and during other predominantly all male events like the company retreat and
paintball adventure weekend. It’s a fact of life.
Women and men have to
work hard to keep sexuality out of the work place, if that is their goal. It's
too easy to fall for someone you work with. HOWEVER....If you're both single,
there's no reason not to date someone you work with, as long as you keep your
dating life outside of the office and the office hours, and don't let it affect
your work, adversely. In fact pick up April's best-selling book "Date Out Of
Your League" (if you're a guy) or "Think and Date Like A Man" (for
women).
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Source : http://www.prweb.com/releases/2005/7/prweb263013.htm